For 6 weeks I have been trying to get my mom to accept meals delivered (meals on wheels) finaly as I am about to leave town she agrees and wants to know why I 'waited to the last minute"
So I call the social worker, not he nice one but the total A-hole and ask him to implement the meals and hey while you are at it can you do the aide the 3x a week like I have been trying to get her to agree to for weeks and for which she HAD to agree because it is a 'medical intervention' and god forbid they don't have consent. SO he calls and she say with WORDS yes it will be good if I had more help because i dont walk too well and yes meals will be ok too.
Then I get on the phone with the a-hole and he says in his heavy NY accent and rapid fire double speak that he is going to add a day to the tuesday and thursday and do I want it to be monday or friday. Well, I am like "Mr. $%^&^ please, she is not safe alone for three days in a row" and he say he cant see what the difference is , and I say "the difference is Sat-Sun alone is not the same as Sat-Sun-Mon alone " and he talks around in a circle again trying to tell me adding a day is the same as having M-W-F. I am not having it and in my best NY accent I say again Please Mr (blahblah) she is not safe and I talk him into a circle until he agrees to talk to his supervisor and do what ever else needs doing to get one of the two things I have been trying to get done for the past 6 weeks.
In other news I biked over the Brooklyn bridge after parking my car in Brooklyn so my son can take care of it while I am away.
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Random
The chair and the walker story.
My mother has an attachment to things remaining the same and I have the opposite desire for constant change. Over ten years ago my mother moved from a two bedroom to a one bedroom and 25 years before that- she had moved from a 1500sq foot loft to the 2 bedroom. That is to say she has too much furniture. So chairs, endtables, bookshelves are placed at random and somewhat awkward locations. Now that she has a walker....these things are in her way. When the PT finally got mom using the walker- the first place they 'walked' was to her bedroom and the PT said 'these things have to be moved , where do you want them" this causal question and who said it managed to overcome my mothers entrenched resistance and the obstacles got rearranged. However the path from bedroom to kitchen remains blocked and when I offered to move the offending two items, a chair and a cabinet, she dug her heels in. So now she uses the walker only to a point and then 'parks' it while unsteadily staggering the rest of the way and back. Her reason for wanting the chair to remain is that when she has fallen in the past the rescuers place her in that chair and also that it is pretty. It is not pretty. I try to explain the chair could be just as pretty and useful two feet away...Her response is anger and hysterics and a plea that I "stop doing this to me".
My mother has an attachment to things remaining the same and I have the opposite desire for constant change. Over ten years ago my mother moved from a two bedroom to a one bedroom and 25 years before that- she had moved from a 1500sq foot loft to the 2 bedroom. That is to say she has too much furniture. So chairs, endtables, bookshelves are placed at random and somewhat awkward locations. Now that she has a walker....these things are in her way. When the PT finally got mom using the walker- the first place they 'walked' was to her bedroom and the PT said 'these things have to be moved , where do you want them" this causal question and who said it managed to overcome my mothers entrenched resistance and the obstacles got rearranged. However the path from bedroom to kitchen remains blocked and when I offered to move the offending two items, a chair and a cabinet, she dug her heels in. So now she uses the walker only to a point and then 'parks' it while unsteadily staggering the rest of the way and back. Her reason for wanting the chair to remain is that when she has fallen in the past the rescuers place her in that chair and also that it is pretty. It is not pretty. I try to explain the chair could be just as pretty and useful two feet away...Her response is anger and hysterics and a plea that I "stop doing this to me".
Friday, October 9, 2015
The real problem for me and maybe for her too
Living with an alcoholic. This is the issue. The recommendation that I find online for maximum consumption is 3 oz daily but I don't think I can hold her to that. Like many things she finds *it annoying , and expresses that by mocking..*being told to drink less.
Mom is using a walker, a safety measure she also mocked and refused , sticking to an unsteady cane for years. There is no self reflection, no possibility of her thinking "ok, people told me for years to use a walker and I refused, but now I can walk better and for longer. Maybe this other advice I got is also good.
Anyway the important thing is me. How is living with a moody drunk going to affect me. Ok not moody. My working theory is actually that she gets the DT's and starts hallucinating . Yesterday she said the TV was 'upsidedown'. I am trying to keep her consumption of vodka to ...well if it could be 4 oz that would be scaling back.
Can I really do this. What happens when I go away for 10 days?
Mom is using a walker, a safety measure she also mocked and refused , sticking to an unsteady cane for years. There is no self reflection, no possibility of her thinking "ok, people told me for years to use a walker and I refused, but now I can walk better and for longer. Maybe this other advice I got is also good.
Anyway the important thing is me. How is living with a moody drunk going to affect me. Ok not moody. My working theory is actually that she gets the DT's and starts hallucinating . Yesterday she said the TV was 'upsidedown'. I am trying to keep her consumption of vodka to ...well if it could be 4 oz that would be scaling back.
Can I really do this. What happens when I go away for 10 days?
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
finally a word from the social worker
Monday was the day the PT was coming sadly the last allowable session was this week. I decided to take advantage of this distraction to clean up the windowsill and all the little tables, milk crates and assorted piles of papers in moms bedroom while she 'worked out'. I found some interesting looking papers and put them aside. Jessica the money manager (a special SW who helps her pay the bills and balance her checkbook) My mother calls her the 'math person'. Jessica shows up to do the monthly accounts. My mothers likes her so much, so that is great. Mom is still working out with the PT who she also likes . Jessica looks over the found papers and it turns out one packet is the renewal for her housing allowance that was due in MAY!!! (it is October). The next day I hear from the main social worker Judy, that they are furiously filling this application out because...well this failure could be grounds for eviction. At the same time Judy tells me that they are going to seek legal council in regards to my 'moving in' and being added to the lease.
Weird economies: my mother keeps empty tissue boxes (to fill out of new boxes) so she can keep tissues in more places around the apartment without buying 'too many' tissues. I just filled one of these empties with tissues and she told me she did not want to use 'that box' as it was 'fragile' and only for special occasions like New Years Eve.
Weird economies: my mother keeps empty tissue boxes (to fill out of new boxes) so she can keep tissues in more places around the apartment without buying 'too many' tissues. I just filled one of these empties with tissues and she told me she did not want to use 'that box' as it was 'fragile' and only for special occasions like New Years Eve.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
Roles
A very sad thought I had recently was realizing that I can not seek the advice of my mother in sorting out how best to balance all of the considerations around her care and my own needs. It is doubly sad because I never could seek her advise. It taps into my own feeling from childhood of having to figure everything out myself. My mother has always had very distorted thinking. I have begun to think that essentially she has an anxiety disorder and her response to anxiety is anger, irrational angry outbursts and bizarre solutions. She employs a lot of blame and extreme language . Everything has been quite peaceful lately but when I leave she typically freaks out and I am about to spend most of the weekend with a friend from the west coast who is in town. My mother still wont positively affirm that she wants me to be here, rather she gets very angry when I leave. I still hope that she can one day admit that she wants me here then one day she will admit she want someone/anyone here with her. I am going to try and work my way onto the lease. That would be the 'prize' I suppose , the apartment.
Even as far as cleaning up (and out) of things like old newspaper clippings, she can admit she does not care about them (except don't touch them) but she does not care if someone else has to spend their time throwing it all out after she is gone. On an up note she has begun to throw out clippings.
Mom wears at most 12 different garments yet every drawer and closet is full of crap. Efforts to get her to face the clean up of a life lived...it is tough.
Here is a another good example of her dis-ordered thinking. Mom insist on storing paper goods in a closet that is stuffed with paintings. Everyonce and awhile a roll of toilet paper , a box of tissues or paper towels will fall off a shelf and press itself against the paintings. This event is always someones fault and brings yells and curses. When I ask her to consider storing the paper goods SOMEWHERE else where they can not damage these paintings....this is not seen as a reasonable solution
Even as far as cleaning up (and out) of things like old newspaper clippings, she can admit she does not care about them (except don't touch them) but she does not care if someone else has to spend their time throwing it all out after she is gone. On an up note she has begun to throw out clippings.
Mom wears at most 12 different garments yet every drawer and closet is full of crap. Efforts to get her to face the clean up of a life lived...it is tough.
Here is a another good example of her dis-ordered thinking. Mom insist on storing paper goods in a closet that is stuffed with paintings. Everyonce and awhile a roll of toilet paper , a box of tissues or paper towels will fall off a shelf and press itself against the paintings. This event is always someones fault and brings yells and curses. When I ask her to consider storing the paper goods SOMEWHERE else where they can not damage these paintings....this is not seen as a reasonable solution
weird dream
I had a dream that could be the plot of a movie. 12 refugee children or possible kidnapped are being held in house.prison / castle . At the start we see scenes of their lives. The oldest boy has a girlfriend who has just started to work in a beauty salon. One of the oldest girls is very bookish and smart, I suppose they are the main characters and all the rest have various personalities and quirks.
Anyhoo so they are being held in this large building, not exactly a prison, more of a house, mall , office building. And at one point all the jailers go home and the kids start plotting an escape-gathering supplies, food, guns and such and find also a huge pile of cash. However they soon notice that there is a janitor who has shown up and they decide to lock him up and go on with their preparations for escape at dawn. At some point when they are close to leaving some one asks where the janitor was locked up and someone else on hearing the answer remarks that there is a phone in that particular room They panic and start leaving in smaller groups just as cops and bad guys and who ever is jailing them arrives. Thus ensues a chase through all kinds of weird locations , like an amusement park , a railroad station etc. During the chase the group gets smaller , some children sacrificing themselves by becoming decoys etc and various mishaps until the group is just the one oldest boy, the oldest girl and two other girls. Finally they arrive at a beauty salon of the boys girlfriend and the place has grown - there is a fashion show in progress. The whole while the kids think if they can return to their hometown with the treasure of cash --well achieving this goal is what motivates them. The hair dresser girlfriend realizes that this little group of four is the notorious 'escapees' and knows the cops are in hot pursuit. The smart girl sees the situation and takes the other girls off to find the bathroom and they immediately use the resources of the salon to disguise themselves . The cops have no idea how big the group is , they only know how many have been lost along the way, so the boy gets arrested /case closed and the three girls who passed as models remain to live out the goal of the group.
I have no idea why I had this dream, the theme of refuges, police brutality, returning home and I am letting my gray hair grow out...so I suppose it makes sense.
Anyhoo so they are being held in this large building, not exactly a prison, more of a house, mall , office building. And at one point all the jailers go home and the kids start plotting an escape-gathering supplies, food, guns and such and find also a huge pile of cash. However they soon notice that there is a janitor who has shown up and they decide to lock him up and go on with their preparations for escape at dawn. At some point when they are close to leaving some one asks where the janitor was locked up and someone else on hearing the answer remarks that there is a phone in that particular room They panic and start leaving in smaller groups just as cops and bad guys and who ever is jailing them arrives. Thus ensues a chase through all kinds of weird locations , like an amusement park , a railroad station etc. During the chase the group gets smaller , some children sacrificing themselves by becoming decoys etc and various mishaps until the group is just the one oldest boy, the oldest girl and two other girls. Finally they arrive at a beauty salon of the boys girlfriend and the place has grown - there is a fashion show in progress. The whole while the kids think if they can return to their hometown with the treasure of cash --well achieving this goal is what motivates them. The hair dresser girlfriend realizes that this little group of four is the notorious 'escapees' and knows the cops are in hot pursuit. The smart girl sees the situation and takes the other girls off to find the bathroom and they immediately use the resources of the salon to disguise themselves . The cops have no idea how big the group is , they only know how many have been lost along the way, so the boy gets arrested /case closed and the three girls who passed as models remain to live out the goal of the group.
I have no idea why I had this dream, the theme of refuges, police brutality, returning home and I am letting my gray hair grow out...so I suppose it makes sense.
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