Sex

My mother told me the other day that she felt the 65 year old aide was flirting with the Occupational Therapist , who it should be noted is a nice looking, very kind and fit man in his 30's . It was my mothers assertion that the aide could hardly wait to walk my motherr back to her bed so she(the aide) could get back to flirting with him. Meanwhile it takes mom so long to hobble from living room to bed that I am sure he was long gone. I did however marvel at the capacity of mom to be interested in men and sexual thoughts in general. I also think how hard it must have been for her to maintain relationships. Now her ability to string cause and effect together is very weak, and that has always been a part of her persona. For example she might yell and say horrid things to a person and wonder a few days later why that person is upset. If said person tries and bring up the prior fight this will result in mother saying that person is a liar and that she is angry at them for their lies. So to maintain peace a constant attitude of forgiveness and ignoring of her abuse is the only way forward .

the egg cup

My mother had a blue glass dish, every morning she boiled an egg and put it on a little tray with the dish. If the dish got moved or put away she would freak out . Today the dish 'jumped off the tray' and shattered all over the hall way near the front door. Her reaction was elation. M reported that since she had been so worried that it would break, now that it finally broke she was at last free of the anxiety.

Sisterly Visit

My sister, or more correctly 'her other daughter' came for a brief visit for the Thanksgiving holiday.

My mother apparently complained about me the entire time I was "a lair, eating all her food , spending are all her money etc" The food thing goes between :my eating all her food or I keep stuffing her fridge with 'more food then she can ever eat"

My sister seems to have bought some food and managed not to get yelled at until she tried to say good bye at 5am to go and catch her flight. My sister reported that mother yelled and mother reported that my sister 'made a weird face at me for no reason'.

Hot Cocoa (HC)

This post will be about my search for the best, or even an acceptable hot cocoa in NYC.

I can admit that my standard of excellence is a traditional Mexican HC, dark, unexpectedly spicy, frothy and very light on sweetness.  This of course is not the norm and hard to find , I accept that. However in this day and age in a multi-cultural city like New York it is my opinion and goal as a HC activist is that

1)  at least some sort of HC should be offered along with all the varieties of Tea and Coffee on the menu at most decent restaurants.

2)Those that do offer HC should offer more than one  variety such as a spicy and an unsweetened variation.

1) MAISON KAYSER @ 326 Bleecker

This clean and well lit world wide chain offers exceptional service by waiters and waitresses dressed oh so French- as to practically look like mimes. Serves a respectable cup, with steamed milk and a rich french chocolate syrup, although we asked for Cinnamon, the dose was either too light to be tasted or forgotten  

2) SERENDIPITY THREE @ 225 East 60th Street

Iconic New York, with long waits, blue stocking set and famous for Frozzen Hot Chocolate.  The relatively expensive (7$) Hot cocoa is served in an under sized cup for the amount of whip
cream piled on top considering the reputation this place has for over the top serving size. If one
either eats the cream to get to the beverage or tries and stir the cream in, the drink will cool
either from the cold cream or the time it takes to eat through the snow drift. The pluses are the
whip cream is real and barely sweetened. Cinnamon, shaved chocolate and orange peel are
embedded in the top of the cream. However the cocoa in the cup is not rich or dark enough.

3) Cafe Cubano @ Prince and Mott (several locations)
A cozy cafe and bar serves 'traditional' Mexican hot cocoa in the sense that it is probably Nestles 'Abuilitta ' brand is equivalent to SwissMiss. (not notable) The milk is steamed and foamy but not hot enough and the serving size, a heavy old fashioned coffee cup is not generous. No garnish on top.

tea

My mother asked me to make her a cup of tea to help her feel better because she was sniffling. I have black tea here because I like it and not much else, but I remembered that I had put some ginger root in honey a while back and then when I used all the honey I had covered the ginger in apple cider vinegar to add to salad dressing and such...so I took a few slices of tht ginger and boiled them in water. I served her a cup and walked out of the room . I bit later she asks me in a very annoyed tone "why did you only give me one cup of tea?"

I laughed and asked 'does that mean you want more tea?' and I brought her another cup.

Then she had a third.

Still no consistent aide and a crisis ending in a fall

Today a new aide, in fact of the 5 days when we expected an aide we had 3 different aids and 2 days of no one  showing up. Today's aide is a very tiny woman wearing scrubs and kind of smelling like stale perfume, and speaking only spanish. Probably my fault as I introduced myself in spanish. However I intentially pointed out the garbage in english, even though "basura es aqui" She arrived while I sat in the car waiting for alt side parking to be over. Her name in Angela , very promising. One problem is she locked the door behind her, and the door must not be locked as my mothers hands can no longer negotiate the locks, and she locked me out. And again when she came in from throwing the garbage her instinct was to lock the door, understandable ...but FUCKING STOP LOCKING the door . And she keeps looking at me like I am nuts when i speak in english...so you know this is going to work out great!

AS for the crisis, M had started drinking more and more, up to 8 oz of vodka a day and then one day 4 oz in about an hour and a half. After that she sobered up some since I had hidden the vodka and then at a point several days later she had asked me to buy some vodka and I refused, So M ordered from the liqueur store and in her anger and indignation -proceded to drink about 8 oz in five hours until she got up and fell over, giving herself a nasty bruise and road rash on her upper arm. I must say that dialed it back and now she is on about three drinks, maybe four a day.  The fall was tuesday and today is friday.

When coming off her binge my mother said horrible and vile things to me , including telling me to "get out right now" I did eventually leave and spend a night at home after I felt confident she was not going to drop dead from withdrawal. Today she asked me :

How can you stay so even tempered when I am harassing you every 5 minutes.

WTF an aide 3x a week?

6-7 aids in the bast 2 months!!!!!!!! I found this out when trying to co-ordinate --get a better aide for my mother. While I was away there were 4 different aides. The last one was supposed to stay but did not show up today- the agency had it down as:  we refused. ? It is possible that my mother called very early, but I doubt it. SHe was busy this morning driving herself mad, hiding her EBT card from herself and freaking out about it.

More work for next week.

OMG meals on what?

The whole time I was in Seattle I thought that my mother was getting meals delivered if not daily the 2x a week. I returned after two weeks to find this was not true. After a phone call and a follow up phone call I was told that a box of meals had been delivered YESTERDAY

 Every meal requires a microwave and FYI my mother has no microwave. and the box is HUGE and there is no way she could get it since she does not go down to the lobby and even if it was brought to her door she could not get it inside. If she did manage to get in inside , she could not lift it, or lift the food out of it from floor level. HOLY SHIT what a waste of tax payer dollars.

On Oct 22 her social worker agreed to get meals sent , but I found out that the request /paper work was not put in until Nov. 1st. Additionally this SCHMUCK told me that there is no vendor who can deliver meals in all of MANHATTAN . These meals are sent from Iowa.

I was so upset and I went to email the schmuck -copying the email from the 22nd and managed to forward a whole string of emails between me and the other SW where I complained about him to her. OOps I wish I had not done that. I hate when I get blinded by rage. Meanwhile all my mom has to say is how she does not want to eat those meals.

well that makes sense

For 6 weeks I have been trying to get my mom to accept meals delivered (meals on wheels) finaly as I am about to leave town she agrees and wants to know why I 'waited to the last minute"

So I call the social worker, not he nice one but the total A-hole and ask him to implement the meals and hey while you are at it can you do the aide the 3x a week like I have been trying to get her to agree to for weeks and for which she HAD to agree because it is a 'medical intervention' and god forbid they don't have consent.  SO he calls and she say with WORDS yes it will be good if I had more help because i dont walk too well and yes meals will be ok too.

Then I get on the phone with the a-hole and he says in his heavy NY accent and rapid fire double speak that he is going to add a day to the tuesday and thursday and do I want it to be monday or friday. Well, I am like "Mr. $%^&^ please, she is not safe alone for three days in a row" and he say he cant see what the difference is , and I say "the difference is Sat-Sun alone is not the same as Sat-Sun-Mon alone " and he talks around in a circle again trying to tell me adding a day is the same as having M-W-F. I am not having it and in my best NY accent I say again Please Mr (blahblah) she is not safe and I talk him into a circle until he agrees to talk to his supervisor and do what ever else needs doing to get one of the two things I have been trying to get done for the past 6 weeks.

In other news I biked over the Brooklyn bridge after parking my car in Brooklyn so my son can take care of it while I am away.

Random

The chair and the walker story.

My mother has an attachment to things remaining the same and I have the opposite desire for constant change. Over ten years ago my mother moved from a two bedroom to a one bedroom and 25 years before that- she had moved from a 1500sq foot loft to the 2 bedroom. That is to say she has too much furniture. So chairs, endtables, bookshelves are placed at random and somewhat awkward locations. Now that she has a walker....these things are in her way. When the PT finally got mom using the walker- the first place they 'walked' was to her bedroom and the PT said 'these things have to be moved , where do you want them" this causal question and who said it managed to overcome my mothers entrenched resistance and the obstacles got rearranged. However the path from bedroom to kitchen remains blocked and when I offered to move the offending two items, a chair and a cabinet, she dug her heels in. So now she uses the walker only to a point and then 'parks' it while unsteadily staggering the rest of the way and back.    Her reason for wanting the chair to remain is that when she has fallen in the past the rescuers place her in that chair and also that it is pretty. It is not pretty. I try to explain the chair could be just as pretty and useful two feet away...Her response is anger and hysterics and a plea that I "stop doing this to me".

The real problem for me and maybe for her too

Living with an alcoholic. This is the issue. The recommendation that I find online for maximum consumption is 3 oz daily but I don't think I can hold her to that.  Like many things she finds *it annoying , and expresses that by mocking..*being told to drink less.

Mom is using a walker, a safety measure she also mocked and refused , sticking to an unsteady cane for years. There is no self reflection, no possibility of her thinking "ok, people told me for years to use a walker and I refused, but now I can walk better and for longer. Maybe this other advice I got is also good.

Anyway the important thing is me. How is living with a moody drunk going to affect me. Ok not moody. My working theory is actually that she gets the DT's and starts hallucinating . Yesterday she said the TV was 'upsidedown'. I am trying to keep her consumption of vodka to ...well if it could be 4 oz that would be scaling back.

Can I really do this. What happens when I go away for 10 days?

finally a word from the social worker

Monday was the day the PT was coming sadly the last allowable session was this week. I decided to take advantage of this distraction to clean up the windowsill and all the little tables, milk crates and assorted piles of papers in moms bedroom while she 'worked out'. I found some interesting looking papers and put them aside.  Jessica the money manager (a special SW who helps her pay the bills and balance her checkbook) My mother calls her the 'math person'. Jessica shows up to do the monthly accounts. My mothers likes her so much, so that is great. Mom is still working out with the PT who she also likes . Jessica looks over the found papers and it turns out one packet is the renewal for her housing allowance that was due in MAY!!! (it is October). The next day I hear from the main social worker Judy, that they are furiously filling this application out because...well this failure could be grounds for eviction. At the same time Judy tells me that they are going to seek legal council in regards to my 'moving in' and being added to the lease.

Weird economies: my mother keeps empty tissue boxes (to fill out of new boxes) so she can keep tissues  in more places around the apartment without buying 'too many'  tissues. I just filled one of these empties with tissues and she told me she did not want to use 'that box' as it was 'fragile' and only for special occasions like New Years Eve.

Roles

A very sad thought I had recently was realizing that I can not seek the advice of my mother in sorting out how best to balance all of the considerations around her care and my own needs. It is doubly sad because I never could seek her advise. It taps into my own feeling from childhood of having to figure everything out myself. My mother has always had very distorted thinking. I have begun to think that essentially she has an anxiety disorder and her response to anxiety is anger, irrational angry outbursts  and bizarre solutions.   She employs a lot of blame and extreme language . Everything has been quite peaceful lately but when I leave she typically freaks out and I am about to spend most of the weekend with a friend from the west coast who is in town. My mother still wont positively affirm that she wants me to be here, rather she gets very angry when I leave. I still hope that she can one day admit that she wants me here then one day she will admit she want someone/anyone here with her.  I am going to try and work my way onto the lease. That would be the 'prize' I suppose , the apartment.

Even as far as cleaning up (and out) of things like old newspaper clippings, she can admit she does not care about them (except don't touch them) but she does not care if someone else has to spend their time throwing it all out after she is gone. On an up note she has begun to throw out clippings.

Mom wears at most 12 different garments yet every drawer and closet is full of crap. Efforts to get her to face the clean up of a life lived...it is tough.

Here is a another good example of her dis-ordered thinking. Mom insist on  storing paper goods in a closet that is stuffed with paintings. Everyonce and awhile a roll of toilet paper , a box of tissues or paper towels will fall off a shelf and press itself against the paintings. This event is always someones fault and brings yells and curses. When I ask her to consider storing the paper goods SOMEWHERE else where they can not damage these paintings....this is not seen as a reasonable solution

weird dream

I had a dream that could be the plot of a movie. 12 refugee children or possible kidnapped are being held in house.prison / castle . At the start we see scenes of their lives. The oldest boy has a girlfriend who has just started to work in a beauty salon.  One of the oldest girls is very bookish and smart, I suppose they are the main characters and all the rest have various personalities and quirks.

Anyhoo so they are being held in this large building, not exactly a prison, more of a house, mall , office building. And at one point all the jailers go home and the kids start plotting an escape-gathering supplies, food, guns and such and find also a huge pile of cash. However they soon notice that there is a janitor who has shown up and they decide to lock him up and go on with their preparations for escape at dawn.  At some point when they are close to leaving some one asks where the janitor was locked up and someone else on hearing the answer remarks that there is a phone in that particular room  They panic and start leaving in smaller groups just as cops and bad guys and who ever is jailing them arrives. Thus ensues a chase through all kinds of weird locations , like an amusement park , a railroad station etc. During the chase the group gets smaller , some children sacrificing themselves by becoming decoys etc and various mishaps until the group is just the one oldest boy, the oldest girl and two other girls. Finally they arrive at a beauty salon of the boys girlfriend and the place has grown - there is a fashion show in progress. The whole while the kids think if they can return to their hometown with the treasure of cash --well achieving this goal is what motivates them. The hair dresser girlfriend realizes that this little group of four is the notorious 'escapees' and knows the cops are in hot pursuit. The smart girl sees the situation and takes the other girls off to find the bathroom and they immediately use the resources of the salon to disguise themselves . The cops have no idea how big the group is , they only know how many have been lost along the way, so the boy gets arrested /case closed and the three girls who passed as models remain to live out the goal of the group.

I have no idea why I had this dream, the theme of refuges,  police brutality, returning home and I am letting my gray hair grow out...so I suppose it makes sense. 

Fishgate, moneygate....everything is a scandal

My mom has to keep her bank balance under $2000, this is a requirement of staying poor and qualifying for benefits. At first this was not a problem, but once we finally had enough support in place she actually was accumulating money. The money that was theoretically budgeted for new shoes and hair cuts etc. For a while she seemed to think it was a joke that her balance would go over and so finally her social workers put in place a money manager. My mother calls this person "the woman who does the math". Her name is Jessica and she pays the bills and takes excess cash out of the bank. Like a good welfare queen my mother uses that cash for luxuries like vodka and take out Chinese. The cash is in a bank envelop in a (redacted for security) . Earlier in the week she ran out of vodka and asked me to get some, and so I said give me $40 and lo'.....The envelope of cash was gone. My mother said the money must have been all spent . Having seen the envelope just a few days before and knowing no cash would have been spent I was exasperated. Mother scrapped up $15 in singles and loose change from various locations and I ended up buying a small bottle of 40 proof kosher vodka as it was the cheapest option in a liqueur store in Chintown where I suspected I would find a bargain.

The next day I vacuumed under her bed and what did I find but the cash. Mother exclaimed "we're rich" and speculated that she would like to buy fish. I said I was going to Chinatown again - this led to a long complicated description of exactly which of the many fish stores in Chinatown she thought I should go. Here I will point out that it has been at least 5 or 6 years since my mother was in Chinatown. In any case when it came time to fork over the money for the fish , she changed her mind about spending money on fish. That is until this morning when she wanted to know where the fish was.

Wednesday is a farmers market ,  I went to whole foods for a bit of flounder 8$ for one serving! and green beans and corn on the way back. I am not adequately describing the drama , confusion and yelling that each step entailed. As for silver lining, The switch from 80% to 40% proof vodka, might be a god send.

hair washing and vacuum aftermath

My mothers gait is so unsteady that it is no longer safe for her to step into the tub. even if she managed to get in and turn the water on, she would not have a free hand for scrubbing. Somehow she manages to drag a wet washrag across her body most days... but her hair , very iconic- curliest of the curly jewish types of hair. The 60's were a god send for her and  since 1965 she wore it fairly short in a huge afro, although as a child and into her 20's she attempted to tame it. It is all white now and rather thin. I washed it for her , she sat compliantly in her wheel chair (a rare event). Never the less she argued with me when I tried to get her to change her wet nightgown into a dry one. She had just put it on and changing it before it was dirty would be a waste in her mind.

I changed the bag on the old vacuum and managed a first pass over the book shelves and blinds, but the bag does not fit well and when I checked the interior was full of dust. The new bagless one should be here tomorrow.

Forgetfulness is getting closer and closer. Example

MM -is there something else to eat

Me - How about a plum

MM- ok, if they are ripe

5 min in kitchen looking for plum and deciding she must have eaten it , i cut up a peach and bring it to her

MM (on seeing peach) Oh I am not hungry, why are you giving me that.

I sit down to eat the peach and write a post.

After weeks of peace...moon, the equinox , RETROGRADE MERCURY and a vacuum

The Lunar eqlispse loomed large in my mind. and is was a spectral sight. At the same time I had the bright idea to ask my sister to order a new vacuum. Sister informed me she had bought one some years before and it might be in a closet. There are many vexing elements (to my mother) in those two sentences. 1) anything 'new' 2)vacuuming 3) closets

Against my own knowledge of anxiety producers (for my mother) I began to open closet doors to look for the phantom device, this alone (opening of closet doors) is enough to send mother over the edge. When she asked with panic what I was looking for ....well suffice to say she had a full blown melt down over both the search for a vacuum and the idea that one was being ordered without consulting her. After much screaming and yelling and a long slow trip (for her) to look at the moon. I ended up saying the vacuum had nothing to do with her, that it was for me since she neither uses such a thing or is bothered by dust. This actually worked and made sense to her. As for her old Eureka that sits covered in dust in a corner of her bedroom blocking access to a dresser , I simply said it is 14 years old and dates from the clean up of the 9/11/01 attacks. Filters and  bags are no longer available and it is too big to efficiently clean blinds, bookshelves etc.  Those reasons of course mean nothing to her. In her mind she 'has a vacuum, doesn't need or want a new one' and on top of it her house is 'cleaner then it has ever been'.

On the way to this resolution of sorts much nasty cursing and yelling happened. So illustrative of the 'abusive' tactics I posted a link to and even ending with her saying like a victim "I am not going to live that long you know". To that I laughed and said OMG your going to pull that card out" and then she laughed and we went to bed, or she stared at her TV for who knows how long, and I went to look at the moon as it eclipsed.

bathing challenge

I just learned about "Nonenal" OMG. Plus because of unsteady gait my mother has not been bathing. Today I am going to try my hardest to get her to wash her hair....I doubt I can make it happen.

Complicating factors

Some old and some new

Clutter
Resistance to change or even cleanliness
Art work /life work
Anger
Alcoholism
Illogical disordered thinking
Cognitive decline
Unsteady gait
Rotator cuff injury

For a more complete list of my mothers prior behaviors  http://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2015/04/eight-mental-abuse-tactics-narcissists-use-on-spouses/

Lately however , only random bursts of rage and projection have been part of the picture. After several calm peaceful days she said "why have you been so calm and peaceful" I thought that was very funny.

 The xray technician and his at home device

Me at some moment awhile ago before I gained so much weight

Intention of the blog

I have spent the past 3 weeks with the exception on 4 nights with my mother. Ever since she fell and injured her rotator cuff. Of course it took nearly a week to get the diagnosis. My mother has a complicated relationship with the world and as a result I have a complicated relationship with her. Maybe also as a result I also have a complicated relationship to the world.

In anycase, we now seemingly have to relate to each other. In new ways as the old ways are intolerable. The injury coincided with the Jewish New Year and as a result finding a resolution to her need for additional care could not be resolved with her social workers, at least not quickly.  The situation is also complicated by her denial that she needs help.

Part of the journey has been searching for resources. What is she entitled to , she is basically penniless and classified at the lowest level of poverty. Living on a combination of her SS, food stamps, housing subsidy and  a stipend from an organization devoted to keeping elderly woman out of trouble, since women earn less then men. 

So what is the intention of the blog... I suppose simply to record the journey. To lay out what I feel are complicating factors. So that I can understand them and find solutions.